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No don't cut him off, introduce them. Here are the signs that it's happening to you. At first, he said he didn't want me to have one-on-one dinners with my guy friends because they seemed intimate. These arguments make me love him less and I think next time I will end things completely because its really hurting me. Please enable javascript to sign up for newsletters. I have once again decided that hes a toxic person and told him to never contact me again. But in healthy partnerships, as the relationship develops, a mutually comfortable balance is struck between connectedness and independence, and both people enjoy being together but also value and respect the other persons need for time apart. He also hates the idea of clubs because he says that boys only go there to get girls, but I feel that going out with friends to clubs is a typical college activity. Now, my boyfriend is upset because I was trying on dresses and sent photos to multiple people, including this friend. I am desperate for some advice on how to build up trust between us. A lot of them even get violent when they do which is bad on a high level. But ultimately, hes your boyfriend, not your security guard, so if he has some information to tell you, he should. All rights reserved. 9 Signs of a Controlling Partner - Psych Central "If a person is not capable of providing what you need in the moment, walk away knowing that this was not the right fit for you," says Perlstein. So to keep him happy I stopped conversations with my male friends. For more information, please see our This will leave you in a great position to date and meet someone else who will not demonstrate the same bad behavior.". We put them all into a hat and read out the answers one by one to his face. Ive truthfully never felt this way about anyone; we communicate and my past relationships have been very toxic. All rights reserved. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. Scan this QR code to download the app now. This. It seems rude and controlling of my boyfriend for me to say sorry I cant really message you anymore as my boyfriend doesnt like me texting anyone male or something along those lines. Reddit, Inc. 2023. This has since become a Christmas tradition in our family, and as such, has deterred me from ever jumping the gun on introducing a significant other to my family unless I'm absolutely sure he's worth it. A: Youre not overthinking this and the red flag of jealousy and isolation is a big one. I agreed for peace and not to admit I was in the wrong because I dont think I am. I have been married to my wife for two years, and weve been together for five. We have been official for almost a year now. Its not that people want to get hurt again. Slate is published by The Slate Before I was dating my boyfriend I had guy friends and girl friends. You can manage your newsletter subscriptions We have a great relationship, and both of us consider ourselves incredibly lucky to have found each other. Whether it's romance, friendship, family, co-workers, or basic human interaction: we're here to help! Its extremely invalidating and painful to be reduced to just my body parts. What youre experiencing is a possessive partnership, and its a form of unhealthy love that can range in intensity from unpleasant to potentially dangerous. There's also the possibility that the pocketer will come clean about his or her true intentions for the relationship, which may not be in line with what you want. My boyfriend doesn't want me to have male friends - Love Letters.com Answer (1 of 9): He doesn't want any compitition. My boyfriend won't allow me to be friends with any guys and - Reddit Your boyfriend may have a history of feeling abandoned and attempt to protect himself now by controlling his partners, but its also possible that your boyfriend has dated women who were otherwise faithful, and then when he restricted their basic freedoms with unreasonable demands, as he has with you, they started looking for the key to the jail cell, and that key happened to be another guy. Photo by Photodisc via Getty Images Plus. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. You do you. Group, a Graham Holdings Company. Why He Can't Let You Go (11 Possible Reasons) - Her Norm Lateness. For an optimal experience visit our site on another browser. I agreed that I would stay in a hotel if I went to see this friend again, because I get how it seems. However, he is a self-proclaimed jealous boyfriend. Oftentimes the pocketer does not want their partner to meet friends and family; it's a way of creating space and distance in the relationship.". Talk to him about it in a serious and calm manner and if he absolutely will not budge then it's up to you to either leave or continue being controlled. However, if he just wants you all to yourself, he should work on that in therapy on his own. EDIT: Im not looking for relationship advice, just wondering if you guys believe that stuff is true or not. Why do people do this to themselves? Boyfriend was previously married for almost six years. However, he is respectful of any relationship I have ever been in and has never said anything or been inappropriate. I have only one or two guy friends that this will happen with. Before doing anything else, you should talk to your boyfriend, especially if you're still not sure of his reasons for not wanting to commit. Your relationship seems non-existent to the public eye," she says. This should be obvious. Generally speaking, at the very beginning of a relationship, a temporary merging between partners occurs in which both people seek quite a bit of togetherness while somewhat neglecting their outside interests and friendships. When you text him back quickly or agree not to communicate with your guy friends, it fills his emptinessbut not for long. Whether it's romance, friendship, family, co-workers, or basic human interaction: we're here to help! He knows that I do not feel the same way and even before I started dating my current boyfriend, I ensured that it would never be discussed again. He doesn't seem to. Maybe Im seeing the wrong side of the picture? Scan this QR code to download the app now. The same goes for my bf, like bro you're a guy you have male friends and also have female friends. I had a friend message me and ask me how Ive been and I told my bf and he was rude to me about it and let me know he expected the conversation to not continue. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. Ive always had friends who are boys and girls. How to keep the fizz from fizzling out in your relationship. Scan this QR code to download the app now. and our Here are the signs that it's happening to you. R. Eric Thomasis filling in as Prudie for Jene Desmond-Harriswhile shes on parental leave. He believes any guy who messages me just wants to have sex with me because why else would they message me? I'm bisexual. I have known this guy for 8 years. Boyfriend doesnt want me to have any guy friends - Reddit Ask him what he fears is going to happen with some of your male friends. You clearly care about your boyfriend and empathize with the pain he feels over having been cheated on in prior relationships. I want you to trust that instinct, because what youve picked up on when you say I know this isnt the right thing to do! is that theres a difference between being loved by someone and being possessed by him. If not, he'll bail. Thats not how your relationship evolved, and two years into it, youre feeling frustrated and smothered. The only time I ever message any is if they pop up first or I need to ask one of them something which isnt often at all. My boyfriend and I have been dating for around 6 months, and it's gotten serious very quickly. Privacy Policy. I don't care if they're girls or guys, I just like friends that I click with. This friend used to have feelings for me, and maybe still does. "Being pocketed is not about the pocketee, but truly the pocketer. As psychologist and life coach Ana Jovanovic explains, you're hidden from view in virtually all aspects. Things were perfect for the first 8 months, and Ive visited him twice. Since then, any time a man messages me my boyfriend freaks out. Avoid someone who brags and acts cocky, signaling low self-esteem. Is he being restrictive? Ive done all I can and its my male friends own choice to message me. Its a beautiful change of pace. So its not one sided). But the safety he believes hes creating for himself is an illusion. When this stuff comes up I always get extremely dysphoric and sad cuz it doesnt feel fair. "Pocketing is a situation where a person you're dating avoids or hesitates to introduce you to their friends, family or other people they know, in-person or on social media, even though you've been going out for a while. Only one red flag: My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other since January of last year. But it's amazing how often we jump through psychological hoops of self-justification to . Privacy Policy. However, I have a few guy friends that I text and it really bothers him. (Its anonymous!). In a possessive partnership, however, one person attempts to soothe his anxietyusually, a fear of abandonmentby controlling the space between him and his partner. "Strike up a conversation with your new partner about how you're feeling and get curious," Perlstein says. This may be a red flag in itself. The idea that men and women can't be friends is shared by immature people who lack good life experience, and boomers. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. Photo illustration by Slate. My boyfriend won't let me hang out with male friends alone, in this IE 11 is not supported. I told him its no different to messaging a friend whos female but he wont agree. He said a lot of rude things, like how i dont care about his comfort and how Im disrespecting him by talking to guys that Ive known longer than him. Even if its a group hangout, he prefers it if I dont accept a ride from a male friend to prevent being alone with them (to be fair, my boyfriend does know that I did have a previous fling with one of them years ago but its not widely known within my friend group). My boyfriend won't let me go out with my friends - Reddit I also stopped hanging out with my friends in my program because he would get jealous and mad. You can let him know that when it comes to love, vulnerability is the price of admission; we risk our hearts in any intimate relationship, and you cant guarantee that youll never leave him any more than he can guarantee that to you. /r/Relationships is a community built around helping people and the goal of providing a platform for interpersonal relationship advice between redditors. It's possible that they are not pocketing you, but their time frame works different from yours, you have different expectations about what a relationship looks like, and/or you're both viewing the relationship differently. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. He either trusts you or he doesn't and if he can't trust you then should you be dating at all. Why He Won't Let You Go, Even When He Doesn't Want You He insisted I get rid of them, and got really drunk and basically dumped me a couple days later (but that didnt last). There's a blurry line between attentiveness and pressure. I have male friends who I message time to time and he seems to get incredibly jealous of this. If the person you're dating has been particularly vigilant about not making your presence known on social media, there's also a chance he or she might be hiding you from someone else whether it's an ex, someone else they're seeing or a friend they hope to date at some point. I had two guy friends from college on there, and I didnt think it mattered because they were important to me but he blew up. and our You can say that you arent responsible for what his other girlfriends did, and that the only way for him to feel more secure in your love is for him to do the inner work required to understand his fear better. My (22F) bf (23M) won't let me have ANY male friends Zack Martin vs Cowboys Contract: Jerry Jones Reveals Why Dallas Moved You can say that you dont feel that your needs are taken into account, and that because you want your relationship to thrive, you hope hell try to learn more about himself by seeing a therapist. Were in our early 20s and this is my first long term relationship. My boyfriend wont let me have any male friends. All of this is to say that the way to build trust with your boyfriend isnt by acceding to his demands and neglecting your own needs; its by sharing with him how those demands make you feel and the impact they have on your relationship. NBC News BETTER is obsessed with finding easier, healthier and smarter ways to live. The Slate Group LLC. I just agreed with him but its still not sitting right with me. This upset me as I dont have a huge amount of friends (6 girls and 3 boys), none of them I ever see and I would like to stay in touch with my male friends because theyre my friends? I Just Stumbled Upon the Last Person I Wanted to See on Grindr. I honestly didn't even think about it because in college, this was normal for me and this friend and he lives in the state next to my parents so it's too far to drive home after a visit. They make decisions for you. But ultimately, he's your . To me, it seems like his insecurities are constricting me. If not, how should I address the issue? Locked post. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. Is it wrong to feel as if he doesnt trust me when he says these things? Im a guy I preffer to have male friends and its not fair that shit that is considered normal in cis male friendships is somehow considered sexual in my friendships. My boyfriend said it doesn't matter if he has a gf, guys with girlfriends will still hit on their friends. Weve been dating for 3 years and every time I ask to go to the bar with my friends its NO! After 8 months of dating, he randomly asked to see my Snapchat best friends list. He even gets upset if I message any boys, who are just friends, on social media. If you're already in a relationship, talk about its possible future and let him know that you want to move things forward with him. Here are 9 signs that you should keep swiping. He says if I am ever friends with boys at college (I currently attend an all-girls school), he will have to leave me, because he wont know how to handle his anxiety. Plenty of people maintain mixed gender relationships without the drama. Just for reference, Im always working and dont have much time to see anyone besides my immediate family and him. He never goes to bars or clubs with his friends cause there just not that type. The kind of safety he seeks can only come from within. I did delete the guys even though it upset me, because I did want my boyfriend comfortable. 7. As far as i know he doesn't seem to have many female friends. She said she has had quite a wild sexual past. Freud called this repetition compulsion. Maybe this time, the unconscious mind imagines, I can go back and heal that wound from long ago by engaging with somebody familiarbut new. We have never so much as kissed. ", It can be a scary question to ask, but having an honest conversation about where the person you're dating thinks this is headed will also be key. I can kind of see why he is upset, but it seems like everytime we solve a problem, a new one arises and it's starting to feel constricting. Its so unfair I feel so bad. Forgive me if this is a scattered mess, I am still not fully recovered from last night. All guys know that whenever another man comes into the picture with their girl there will be compitition, now not all guys are like this and they just want friendship, but I'm a guy, and I know how guys think when they are around women even if tha. Similarly, people who have angry parents often end up choosing angry partners, those with alcoholic parents are frequently drawn to partners who drink quite a bit, and those who have withdrawn or critical parents find themselves married to spouses who are withdrawn or critical. Am I just overthinking? - The other night I did have two guy friends pop up but I ended up leaving then on read after a exchanging minimal words and ending the conversation. Reddit, Inc. 2023. He says he doesnt want me to have any guy friends but he says its not bc he is jealous or insecure and its not bc he doesnt trust me. Am I being reasonable to want to text STRICTLY platonic male friends? But, the biggest issue we seem to have is my male friends. I agreed to stop saying that I love him. If your boyfriend is willing to focus inward and do the work to take responsibility for his anxiety, make sure to tell him how much you appreciate it when you catch him making changes: I felt so good about us when I couldnt text you back right away and you managed okay without me. And how do you know if it's happening to you? Dear Therapist: My Boyfriend Is Extremely Possessive - The Atlantic I don't feel like i did anything wrong but i can understand where hes coming from i guess? Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. Reddit, Inc. 2023. New comments cannot be posted. Im pre-everything and I dont plan to medically transition but all my friends know Im a guy. Help! I assume he mustve looked at my phone while I was on it and seen the names on my Snapchat chat feed despite it showing I had left them on read. Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. --- So, I have always be willing to drop people he said he How to tell if someone is lying to you, according to behavioral experts, How to repair your relationship after someone cheats. We encountered an issue signing you up. But I am I wanna go hangout drink and dance with my girlfriends Im still gonna go tonight but its gonna be a huge fight like for nothing just let me go trust me. My Priest Told Me Hes Leaving His Priesthood for Me. Why dont those rules apply to you? All rights reserved. If you can't do that then you're lying to yourself about that friendship. A 'pocketer' will often avoid making plans with groups of people, and seldom brings up their friends and family in conversation. But once he has you back, he feels suffocated and smothered all over again. By handing responsibility for his safety back to him, youre creating the kind of healthy and balanced relationship that will make you both feel safer in the long run. All rights reserved. I tell him this, but he doesnt cope well with any change to the system. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. But part of me is bothered because I feel he is indirectly communicating that he doesnt trust me. Don't find excuses for his bad behavior, and don't blame yourself. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. Im very upset by this, as Im moving to be with him in a month. Reddit, Inc. 2023. One of the Few Things That Makes Life Worth Living. Sometimes people with trust issues choose untrustworthy people, because those people feel familiar to them. You can start by telling him that you understand his need to feel safe, but that his attempts to feel safe are pushing you away rather than making you feel closer and more connected to him. Im uncomfortable with the idea of him having female friends after what he said. Help! All rights reserved. I am having a hard time getting these images out of my head. Thanks for signing up! I even explained that those two friends had been there for me through some really awful events in my life, and nothing sexual ever happened between us. 5. We're in our early 20s and this is my first long term relationship. He tells me he doesnt trust some of my male friends and asks me not to hang out with them alone. If you suspect you're being pocketed, Perlstein says the key is to communicate effectively, and do your best to not become confrontational immediately. "This is especially true in cases where there is an educational gap, or big socio-economic or cultural differences.". Hes busy with finals lately and i feel so alone. Why does my boyfriend say I can't have guy friends but he can - Quora I have never cheated and I never would. But I feel stuck in the middle between changing myself and my friendships and who I am (who I talk to, what I do), and compromising for this relationship that is important to me. There was nothing ever sexual about my friendship with boys. Cookie Notice I (34 f) have been dating my boyfriend (38 m) for like a year and a half. and our Archived post. We seek posts from users who have specific and personal relationship quandaries that other redditors can help them try to solve. It shouldn't be a huge fight every time you want to hang out with your friends. 6. advicemylifesux 3 yr. ago. She told me these things not to make me jealous or to hurt me, but for me to understand she is happier since she met me than she ever has been and doesnt need to do these things anymore. I dont care what he does with his friends if he wanted to go to the bar or club with his friend Id say go for it or can I come with yall and have fun. tl;dr My boyfriend was cheated on in his past marriage, and he has a lot of hurt from that relationship. He also gets very upset and threatens to leave any time I mention any boy I am acquainted with, and he worries about what will happen when I go to college soon. 8 Things To Do When He Won't Commit But Won't Let Go These are the most common signs of a controlling partner: 1. When your guy comes crawling back, tears in his eyes, broken hearted, he's liable to say anything to get you back. I feel so dirty and used even if my friends have never given me a reason to feel like that. "When you are focused on building a relationship with a new partner, your intention is usually to wait until you know the person well enough on an individual basis, and like them enough to decide you want to bring this person into your social and familial life," she says. We both agreed to not hang out with the opposite sex alone, whether in private or in public, and I can hang with that. I know that as I get older (not in college anymore), these relationships will change. "Ask follow up questions about what the person's intentions are and express your wants and needs," Perlstein says. Female 22 and my boyfriend is 22. Archived post. I love the companionship from my boyfriend but I also need friends to feel fulfilled. 12. Adults do not go spend the night at their guy friends house when they are married. Reddit, Inc. 2023. I feel like I kept giving up people in my life and now it is too late to put my foot down because he expects me to end friendships since Ive been so willing so far. "By not introducing the person they're dating to others, they are protecting the fragile image of themselves that attracted the person in the first place. Want more tips like these? This has really damaged him, and he gets very anxious that I will want to be with someone else or will stop loving him one day. Being around him is never fun. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. Help! Reddit, Inc. 2023. Then, I went home to visit family/friends in another state. She said she did these things because she was sad and depressed and sex made her feel better. Need help with your relationship? It seems reasonable. Me and my boyfriend started dating online 11 months ago. Pocketing comes with the intention of hiding away the person you're dating. "Give the person an opportunity to talk with you about why you've yet to meet their friends and family. Sometimes I will text one or two of them every day, but I will also text female friends and family members. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. I have a busy schedule and things crop up randomly, so it is difficult to message sometimes. Doing it too soon could be off-putting; doing it too late can make the person you're with feel like you're not that serious about your relationship. Cookie Notice A few months ago one if my friends from when i was a kid started contacting me. Need help with your relationship? Weve got in countless arguments about this which ended in him saying I should stop messaging any men which Im not related to even if they are friends. Archived post. We agreed that happy hour with coworkers was fine, but that dinners would be minimized. I need advice on how to handle this!! By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. By your relationship standards I would be unable to hang out with any of my friends without my boyfriend around, and I wouldn't be able to text anyone but him, because they would all be people I could potentially cheat with. I feel so bad she kept acting like I was being naive and stupid for believing I could form an actual friendship with a guy. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years now, in a long-distance relationship (we live two and a half hours apart). For more information, please see our 10 Signs of a Partner Who's Emotionally Unavailable ", This can also extend to what the person's family or friend group are really like. His response was that he didnt want to break up, just wanted me to respect him and our relationship. I have never cheated in the past and I do not ever want to. If it sounds like the person is seeing the relationship moving in a similar manner, ask to meet their friends and/or family or discuss a time frame around this.". Is it reasonable for him to be upset that I will text a guy friend or two about simple things like working out or school? I also deleted 100+ male friends from discord and left servers he was uncomfortable with. It may be hurting your mental health, How to tell if you're a 'conversational narcissist'. Archived post. However, so that I could understand her better, she recently told me some things about her past that have troubled me quite a bit. I am having a hard time getting these images out of my head. I am in college and that is where you make lots of friends and you cant help who you may meet and want to be friends with. Support-based discussion place focused on trans men, trans-masc individuals, and other people assigned female at birth who are trans. Arrogance. I dont understand why Im still treated like the girl in this situation. The past few months hes started to bring it up how he feels uncomfortable with me messaging other men even if they are just friends and believes Im trying to do it on purpose to upset him. Not doing it at all? Some of those people were even important to me but he doesnt care. You say that hes been cheated on in all of his relationships. "Pacing and awaiting the right time to offer an introduction is truly about bringing you and partner closer. Just for reference, I'm always working and don't have much time to see anyone besides my immediate family and him.